Brian gets political Brian, my roommate, and I decided to do a little food shopping together. This is something that we both dread doing because we want different things. Plus, we never agree on anything, even which line to go to cash out on. I always prefer the 'self check out' which Brian insists that people will lose their jobs and will always go to the ones that have the cashiers. Truth is, Brian like the cashier line because he always messes up on the self check out. (Ill post about that in the near future)
I do get it, the whole employment thing, but when you're in a rush, or shopping with Brian, the fastest and easiest way out of this hell, is doing the 'self check out.' At that moment, I really don't care about the stats of unemployment in our country. Which Brian lets me know about each and every time we go shopping together.
As we head to the check out, I noticed there was no one in line on self checkout.
“come on, lets go here, there is no line...hurry”
“Jay, did you know that per the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics , both the unemployment rate, 6.1% and the number of unemployed people, 9 million, changed just a little over time. Over the year, the unemployment rate and the number of unemployed persons were down by 1.1% points and 1.7 million, and blah blah blah.......”
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I said in my head) I don't even know what the heck he is talking about.
“OK. Lets go to the cashier, there are only 10 people in that line.”
I would agree with Brian on this whole unemployment thing, but that's only if there was one person in the cashier line, but there wasn't.
As Brian continued to yap on about the unemployment and the economy, I tuned him out like I usually do (the advantages of ADHD, it's real easy to tune anything out) and do what I am really good at.
To judge people.
I have decided to write a list of the beautiful people that go to the cashier at the supermarket.
First up at bat is the 'Coupon Clipper'.
You know her, you've seen her in the aisle. She is the one who is carrying around one of those plastic file portable file cabinets. As she enters the beltway, you can hear a collective groan among the others waiting in line. You know what they are all thinking by the expression on their faces.
After everything is rung up, she places her file cabinet on the belt and tries to figure out what section her specific coupons were placed in. ONE BY ONE.
“oh, here is one” she states with utter enthusiasm.
“uh, that expired last year” Yawns the cashier, clearly agitated herself with the 'coupon clipper'.
As organized as the 'Coupon Clipper' thinks she is, she never seems to go through the expired ones. One after the other.....rejected. We wait.
Once rung up, she has saved herself 25 cents. She walks away with this stupid grin on her face, like it was all worth it. She thinks she is on the TLC show “Extreme Couponing.”
Next up at bat we have the 'Patient Purchaser'.
This little gem seems to have all the time in the world. She stands there, waiting. The cashier is ringing up her items, she just waits.
“150.00 dollars Mame”
Does this 'Patient Purchaser' then start rummaging through her purse now? No, of course not, she waits until all her bags are bagged then she will take that as her cue to actually finally open up her purse.
As the cashier stands there chewing her gum, the 'patient purchaser' is in her purse looking for her money. Why she cant take her money out, or at least start digging before the cashier hits 'total', is only known by the 'patient purchaser'. Is she a passive aggresive type? Or is she just a 'patient purchaser' with no where to go but home?
The other odd trait of the 'patient purchaser', if she didn't have the cash, she will then decide to buy with a credit card, and wouldn't you know it, she seems to have at least 30 cards. Maybe she has ODD, but it seems she has to look and touch each one. She's Probably trying to figure out how much she actually charged on each of these 30 cards. She is probably one of those compulsive shoppers and goes to debt anonymous and I have just witnessed a relapse in progress.
Brian looks at me. “see, we're moving”
Next up at bat we have whom I like to call, 'the exact changer'
Got to love this one. This fool clearly has something wrong with her. They check every single pocket and pretty much dumps the content of her purse onto the belt with hopes of finding the pennies that loosely were dropped in there from some change she got 2 weeks ago.
“oh wait, can you give me a second, I have some change in my ashtray in my car”
Need I say more.
Next up is my favorite shopper, which I like to call 'the donor'
You will always find this person right behind the 'exact changer'. This person always has the pennies that they need to get them the hell out of the store. You don't even have to witness 'the donor' in action, but you know they are there due to the round of applause from everyone in line.
Got to love the donor!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next up we have 'the oops people'
This is the asshole who places all her items on the belt and then right before the cashier hits total, you hear....
“oops, I forgot the milk”
and off she goes.
The cashier chewing her gum just looks, give an eye roll and says “I cant delete her items, we will have to wait.”
As we count the minutes, it seems the oops person saw a friend from her kids school and had this need to discuss what happened at the last PTA meeting that, oops, she forgot about it. I bet she missed it because she was waiting in line at the supermarket behind another oops person. Connect the dots people.
When she finally realized, she says to her friend, “oops, I got to go, I am at the cashier”.
What I cant stand about this oops person is that she never even apologizes to us, yea, she says sorry to the cashier who couldn't care less, she got a free coffee break out of it, but were the ones on line with important things that we have to do.
As the cashier is ringing up her milk, the 'oops person' cell phone rings, and she picks it up. As she was walking out the door, the only word I heard pretty clearly was...PTA
Next up we have little ol Martha.
What is up with old people and their check books. I like to call them the 'check writers' or 'Marthas' because I know that's their name.
Who the hell pays by check anymore, oh, that would be Martha.
“Martha, the check you just wrote you made it payable to 'stop and shop', but we are 'Shaws' supermarket”
“oh dear, I'm sorry, here you go sweetie” Says Martha in her cute little old lady voice.
“Martha, we have a problem, this check is from out of state, we can'taccept out of state checks.”
“oh dear, alright then”
And out the door Martha goes, leaving all her items on the belt.
Cashier reaches for her Microphone:
“ABANDONED ITEMS, CASHIER 4"
Now we have the most obnoxious person on the line. This person I would like to call 'the 'stand up'.
Now, I know it seems that I have been blaming everything on women, but I call it as I see it. The 'stand up' however is always a guy. He thinks his one-liners are worth the attention of a talent scot
As we all are waiting, the 'stand up' decides it's time to entertain us with his wit.
“I would have brought something to munch on if I knew it was going to take this long, ha ha ha”
“there are folks setting up tents at the end of the line, ha ha ha”
“I was really young when I got here. Ha ha ha”
We all just smile at this guy because we really just want the fucker dead. But he is so ignorant, he doesn't even notice it.
But wait, we have someone waiting in the wings. I LOVE this person. He is known as 'the silencer'.
This guys job in life is just to let the 'stand up' know, to shut the hell up.
Next up at bat we have the haggler.
This moron feels that he has to bargain with the cashier, like she cares or even have anything to do with the prices in the store.
“I saw in the flyer it was 50% off” says the haggler
“that was last weeks flier sir” Cashier answers
“yea, but I got it this week” The haggler knows it was last weeks flier and the coupons have all been expired, but that doesn't stop him. He is determined to try to get a discount.
“you know, this cantaloup really doesn't look that fresh. I'll take it if you take 20% off, what do you say?”
The haggler doesn't give up, each item he will find something wrong and try to bargain with the cashier.
“look at these tomatoes, some of them are way to soft, how about taking just 10% off”
The cashier, clearly annoyed, calls the manager over.
“sorry sir, we cant do that.” says the manager
Then the Haggler throws the bag of tomatoes at the manager and out the door he goes.
The cashier reaches for her Mic:
"ABANDONED ITEMS, CASHIER 4"
Last but not least, we have Brian.
“Hi, did you get everything you need sir” the cashier asks.
“yes, we did, thank you for asking”
As we put all our belongings in the bags and get ready to get the hell out of there. We hear our cashier over her mic say:
"CLEAN UP AT CASHIER 4, MELTED ICE CREAM.”
©jayurban2014 original work of authorship
I do get it, the whole employment thing, but when you're in a rush, or shopping with Brian, the fastest and easiest way out of this hell, is doing the 'self check out.' At that moment, I really don't care about the stats of unemployment in our country. Which Brian lets me know about each and every time we go shopping together.
As we head to the check out, I noticed there was no one in line on self checkout.
“come on, lets go here, there is no line...hurry”
“Jay, did you know that per the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics , both the unemployment rate, 6.1% and the number of unemployed people, 9 million, changed just a little over time. Over the year, the unemployment rate and the number of unemployed persons were down by 1.1% points and 1.7 million, and blah blah blah.......”
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I said in my head) I don't even know what the heck he is talking about.
“OK. Lets go to the cashier, there are only 10 people in that line.”
I would agree with Brian on this whole unemployment thing, but that's only if there was one person in the cashier line, but there wasn't.
As Brian continued to yap on about the unemployment and the economy, I tuned him out like I usually do (the advantages of ADHD, it's real easy to tune anything out) and do what I am really good at.
To judge people.
I have decided to write a list of the beautiful people that go to the cashier at the supermarket.
First up at bat is the 'Coupon Clipper'.
You know her, you've seen her in the aisle. She is the one who is carrying around one of those plastic file portable file cabinets. As she enters the beltway, you can hear a collective groan among the others waiting in line. You know what they are all thinking by the expression on their faces.
After everything is rung up, she places her file cabinet on the belt and tries to figure out what section her specific coupons were placed in. ONE BY ONE.
“oh, here is one” she states with utter enthusiasm.
“uh, that expired last year” Yawns the cashier, clearly agitated herself with the 'coupon clipper'.
As organized as the 'Coupon Clipper' thinks she is, she never seems to go through the expired ones. One after the other.....rejected. We wait.
Once rung up, she has saved herself 25 cents. She walks away with this stupid grin on her face, like it was all worth it. She thinks she is on the TLC show “Extreme Couponing.”
Next up at bat we have the 'Patient Purchaser'.
This little gem seems to have all the time in the world. She stands there, waiting. The cashier is ringing up her items, she just waits.
“150.00 dollars Mame”
Does this 'Patient Purchaser' then start rummaging through her purse now? No, of course not, she waits until all her bags are bagged then she will take that as her cue to actually finally open up her purse.
As the cashier stands there chewing her gum, the 'patient purchaser' is in her purse looking for her money. Why she cant take her money out, or at least start digging before the cashier hits 'total', is only known by the 'patient purchaser'. Is she a passive aggresive type? Or is she just a 'patient purchaser' with no where to go but home?
The other odd trait of the 'patient purchaser', if she didn't have the cash, she will then decide to buy with a credit card, and wouldn't you know it, she seems to have at least 30 cards. Maybe she has ODD, but it seems she has to look and touch each one. She's Probably trying to figure out how much she actually charged on each of these 30 cards. She is probably one of those compulsive shoppers and goes to debt anonymous and I have just witnessed a relapse in progress.
Brian looks at me. “see, we're moving”
Next up at bat we have whom I like to call, 'the exact changer'
Got to love this one. This fool clearly has something wrong with her. They check every single pocket and pretty much dumps the content of her purse onto the belt with hopes of finding the pennies that loosely were dropped in there from some change she got 2 weeks ago.
“oh wait, can you give me a second, I have some change in my ashtray in my car”
Need I say more.
Next up is my favorite shopper, which I like to call 'the donor'
You will always find this person right behind the 'exact changer'. This person always has the pennies that they need to get them the hell out of the store. You don't even have to witness 'the donor' in action, but you know they are there due to the round of applause from everyone in line.
Got to love the donor!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next up we have 'the oops people'
This is the asshole who places all her items on the belt and then right before the cashier hits total, you hear....
“oops, I forgot the milk”
and off she goes.
The cashier chewing her gum just looks, give an eye roll and says “I cant delete her items, we will have to wait.”
As we count the minutes, it seems the oops person saw a friend from her kids school and had this need to discuss what happened at the last PTA meeting that, oops, she forgot about it. I bet she missed it because she was waiting in line at the supermarket behind another oops person. Connect the dots people.
When she finally realized, she says to her friend, “oops, I got to go, I am at the cashier”.
What I cant stand about this oops person is that she never even apologizes to us, yea, she says sorry to the cashier who couldn't care less, she got a free coffee break out of it, but were the ones on line with important things that we have to do.
As the cashier is ringing up her milk, the 'oops person' cell phone rings, and she picks it up. As she was walking out the door, the only word I heard pretty clearly was...PTA
Next up we have little ol Martha.
What is up with old people and their check books. I like to call them the 'check writers' or 'Marthas' because I know that's their name.
Who the hell pays by check anymore, oh, that would be Martha.
“Martha, the check you just wrote you made it payable to 'stop and shop', but we are 'Shaws' supermarket”
“oh dear, I'm sorry, here you go sweetie” Says Martha in her cute little old lady voice.
“Martha, we have a problem, this check is from out of state, we can'taccept out of state checks.”
“oh dear, alright then”
And out the door Martha goes, leaving all her items on the belt.
Cashier reaches for her Microphone:
“ABANDONED ITEMS, CASHIER 4"
Now we have the most obnoxious person on the line. This person I would like to call 'the 'stand up'.
Now, I know it seems that I have been blaming everything on women, but I call it as I see it. The 'stand up' however is always a guy. He thinks his one-liners are worth the attention of a talent scot
As we all are waiting, the 'stand up' decides it's time to entertain us with his wit.
“I would have brought something to munch on if I knew it was going to take this long, ha ha ha”
“there are folks setting up tents at the end of the line, ha ha ha”
“I was really young when I got here. Ha ha ha”
We all just smile at this guy because we really just want the fucker dead. But he is so ignorant, he doesn't even notice it.
But wait, we have someone waiting in the wings. I LOVE this person. He is known as 'the silencer'.
This guys job in life is just to let the 'stand up' know, to shut the hell up.
Next up at bat we have the haggler.
This moron feels that he has to bargain with the cashier, like she cares or even have anything to do with the prices in the store.
“I saw in the flyer it was 50% off” says the haggler
“that was last weeks flier sir” Cashier answers
“yea, but I got it this week” The haggler knows it was last weeks flier and the coupons have all been expired, but that doesn't stop him. He is determined to try to get a discount.
“you know, this cantaloup really doesn't look that fresh. I'll take it if you take 20% off, what do you say?”
The haggler doesn't give up, each item he will find something wrong and try to bargain with the cashier.
“look at these tomatoes, some of them are way to soft, how about taking just 10% off”
The cashier, clearly annoyed, calls the manager over.
“sorry sir, we cant do that.” says the manager
Then the Haggler throws the bag of tomatoes at the manager and out the door he goes.
The cashier reaches for her Mic:
"ABANDONED ITEMS, CASHIER 4"
Last but not least, we have Brian.
“Hi, did you get everything you need sir” the cashier asks.
“yes, we did, thank you for asking”
As we put all our belongings in the bags and get ready to get the hell out of there. We hear our cashier over her mic say:
"CLEAN UP AT CASHIER 4, MELTED ICE CREAM.”
©jayurban2014 original work of authorship